


Empty Space

by ahhelga



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Canon typical Jared assholery, Evan Hansen is a confused baby boy, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-08-28 10:18:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16721457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahhelga/pseuds/ahhelga
Summary: Who in their right mind would climb the tallest tree for the sake of it? Other than a loser who wanted nothing more than to just… Of course, who knows how long had he been down here already with these thoughts. How long until someone found him like this? What if no one--“Evan?!Evan, no!"...Evan Hansen didn't actually, really, truly expect anyone to come for him under that tree.So when Connor Murphy, beautiful and haggard, came rushing toward him after he fell and seemingly knew everything about Evan's entire pitiful existence, he didn't know what to make of it.





	1. Under a Tree

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm starting a new story, but I saw DEH on stage last week and it took me completely by storm. Before I knew it, I had two chapters typed up of this thing. I'll try to update weekly, but until winter break, I get swamped with grading, which is Not Fun and Completely Time Consuming. So no promises on a consistent update schedule. 
> 
> Just as an FYI, a lot of this story may be cop out fluff (maybe???) with little actual characterization. That's partly due to the fact that a lot of the character development happened prior to the story and you're kinda thrown into the story, just like Evan.

It took Evan Hansen a moment to realize he was fully awake, and that the deafening, oppressing silence around him was just because he was all alone in the forest. 

 

This summer, he got what was supposed to be the best internship ever. For all intents and purposes, it was exactly what he looked for as an intern. He got to work with trees, and when given the option, he did not have to do any greeting duty. Instead, most of his days were spent walking around logging habitat activity and keeping visitors on the trails. It was a good deal. 

 

As the month passed, however, the loneliness of both the job and his life crept up on him. And it landed him here on the ground of the tallest tree in the park.

 

Above him, the sunny sky peeked through branches and leaves. There was a high pitch ringing in his ears. 

 

Had it… actually happened? Had he done it? Or was he, yet again, a disappointment to himself and to others? After all, who in their right mind would climb the tallest tree for the sake of it? Other than a loser who wanted nothing more than to just… Of course, who knows how long had he been down here already with these thoughts. How long until someone found him like this? What if no one-- 

 

“Evan?!  _ Evan, no! _ ”

 

He craned his neck slightly to see a figure running up to him between the trees. He couldn’t really tell who it was, but they were clad in dark ripped jeans and had long hair flying behind. It was strange that someone was here at all; Evan knew for a fact that there was no other ranger within a ten minute walking distance, and that any guests to the park usually stuck to the path or the campsites. 

 

And yet, someone found him lying here. Someone who knew him. Someone who went to his school. What were the odds?

 

“Connor Murphy?” he whispered as the young man reached him.

 

Connor Murphy, in his typical grungy clothes unsuited for walking in the forest, with floppy hair that Evan admitted to himself was a good look, and a red, splotchy face covered in what looked like tears, dropped to his knees to cradle Evan Hansen against him.

 

If there was anything Evan expected out of falling from the tree, it wasn’t this.

 

“Oh  _ God,  _ you stupid, selfish  _ fuck! _ How the hell could you do this, Evan?”

 

“...Wh-what?”

 

Instead of answering, Connor held him tighter to him and his shoulders started to shake. Evan wasn’t quite sure if Connor was crying.

 

“Goddammit! Why is it that you always manage to let that branch go?”

 

“L-let go?” Evan couldn’t even admit it to himself, so how did Connor even… 

 

“Evan Hansen, before we leave this spot, I want you to think deeply about something,” Connor growled into Evan’s nape. Evan nodded numbly. He wasn't even sure if Connor felt it. 

 

“Evan, Evan--I want you to think about all the people who care about you, who will care about you. Heidi--your mom works her ass off, sure, and that’s because she loves you and will always love you and will be there for you for--for forever.”

 

Evan furrowed his brows at the mention of his mom.

 

“And your deadbeat dad, whatever, but those half-siblings of yours, just think, how are they going to know how awesome of a brother you are?”

 

Never had he said anything to _anyone_ about wanting to be a good brother, and yet… yet Connor knew exactly what he wanted. How?

 

“Even Jared Fucking Kleinman would be torn up about it, and Alana, and my sister--and--and me--” 

 

At that point, Connor’s voice reached a high pitch and his choking broke his words up. He was muttering something under his breath that mixed in with his heavy breathing. 

 

Just when Evan thought Connor was going to tug him even closer, the other boy pulled away to scream at the endless sky. It was thunderous in the otherwise empty park. 

 

“Why?! Why do you keep doing this to me? Huh?! Why does this keep happening?” Connor yelled at the sky. Then he bellowed, “It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”

 

He was just screaming and dimly Evan realized he wanted to join him. 

 

Yelling did seem to calm something down in the taller boy, which was good because Evan did not know what to do at all in this situation. He did not even know how to comfort Connor or know what to say or what to think. He let himself be held, dimly aware of the ache in the left side of his body and the stinging in his eyes. Wasn’t he the one who fell down a tree? Why should he comfort Connor? Why was Connor this upset over him in the first place? They didn’t even know each other.

 

Yet… Something altogether warm and painful blossomed in Evan’s chest. Connor Murphy, someone Evan did not even know, was here holding him. He wasn’t expecting to feel this emotional over someone here for him, but Connor’s quiet sobs were the opening of the floodgates for Evan. Tears fell forward as he started crying as well.

 

Evan didn’t know how long they were crying in each other’s arms, but it was only a matter of time that the pain in his arm caught up to him. 

 

When he quietly said as much, Connor immediately pulled back. “Oh shit. We gotta get you to a hospital, get a cast on it.”

 

“Cast? You think it’s b-b-broken?” Evan didn’t want to think about how much it would cost his mother if that were the case.

 

Connor gave him a sad smile and stood over Evan.

 

“Here, I’ll carry you.”

 

It took some maneuvering, but Connor eventually lifted Evan on his back. He didn’t want to think about when was the last time he was held in a piggyback, so he tried to focus his attention on anything else other than Connor. They started walking quietly, with only the puffs of their breaths and Evan’s short directions leaving a sound. Around them, the forest was still, as if it knew something big was happening to Evan. 

 

He didn’t know if Connor was thinking about saying something, or if he was also processing, but Evan didn’t even know where to begin a conversation after what just happened. He could barely start a normal conversation, much less one in which a virtual stranger, the other school loner, found him post-suicide attempt in the middle of nowhere and started spewing all this personal crap in his life.

 

Connor spoke first.

 

“I’m sorry about… I’m just so exhausted.”

 

“Oh, if you're, if you're tired, j-j-just let me go. I can--walk.”

 

Connor’s grip on Evan’s thighs tightened.

 

“I’m never letting you go.”

 

Evan  _ really _ didn’t know what to say to that, so instead he just wrapped his good arm more firmly around Connor and tried to stop the blood rushing to his face. 

 

The words looped in his head: never letting go, never letting go, never letting go.

 

The two of them slowly reached the ranger station, where Evan’s boss was. When they explained what happened to him, he was appropriately alarmed and took them both to the hospital.

 

In the car, his boss had grilled him about what had happened, something both Connor and Evan did not appreciate from the backseat. It seemed as if the underlying tone was that Connor and Evan were messing around in the woods while Evan was on the job. The implied accusation left him mortified. But it was also a valid point, considering Connor did not drive to the park apparently. ( _ How the hell did he get to the forest? Bus? _ Evan thought vaguely.)

 

In the midst of the questioning, Connor grabbed onto Evan’s good hand. Then, he stated firmly that he found Evan after he fell and that since the accident happened on the job, the park would have to pay for it and to direct any questions towards the doctor. Luckily Evan’s boss didn’t disagree. Evan squeezed Connor’s hand in silent gratitude.

 

After that, it was a rush of events. When they arrived, the doctors ushered Evan into the emergency room, he got through all the questions without stumbling too horrendously, and he ended up with a cast that he would have to keep on for months. Turned out he did break his arm, and according to the doctor, wasn’t he lucky that nothing else was injured from how high up he fell. Evan could only shakily smile in response. 

 

By the time his mom arrived, crying and telling him how much she loved him, Connor Murphy was gone.

 

When Evan got home hours later, he realized he has no way to contact the boy who found him, nor did Evan think he would put in the effort to get that contact information. After all, he was still trying to wrap his head around what happened.

 

And so the days went by, and Evan tried his best to understand, but it just wasn’t coming to him. When days turned to weeks, Evan wrote it off as a strange dream. After all, he didn’t even get to see Connor again for the rest of summer break.

 

On one summer night just before the first day of school, Evan's ears started ringing so loud that he couldn't do anything to quiet it. In an effort to distract himself, he turned to the wall and thought about everything he didn’t know about that day. Why was Connor there in the first place? Why did Connor bring up all those people in Evan’s life? How did he know all that about them? How come he acted as if they truly knew each other? How come Connor cried so hard, harder than Evan ever expected anyone to cry over him? He hadn’t even seen his mom cry that passionately. 

 

Then, it turned inward. Did Evan make it all up?  Was it some crappy ghost of whatever’s past? Or did Connor go to the park and just pitied poor Evan? How fucked up was Evan that a stranger had known how badly Evan was thinking? What  _ was _ he thinking? What was he doing on that damn branch, as if he were expecting to end it there, as if expecting someone were going to come rescue him? Someone like Connor… 

 

He didn't realize he was tap, tap, tapping the wall to drown out the ringing. 

 

Whatever the case, Connor never reached out to him afterwards, so it didn’t matter. It, like he, didn't matter. 

 

So much for not letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety induced tinnitus is the worst.
> 
> The next chapter is already typed and double this size. It'll be up next Friday or when I have more chapters in my backlog. Thank you for reading!


	2. In the Hallway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> first day vibes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried hard not to be repetitive of the actual canon, not that this would even be a play-by-play of the musical.

On the morning of the first day of senior year, Evan had tried his best to reassure his mom that he was doing his best with the letters, they were working wonders for his confidence, and that everything was going just fine. 

 

It wasn't, of course. But it was the end of summer vacation now, and he had spent the last few weeks replaying those sincere pleas on the roots of the tallest tree in the park. He could almost hear Connor's voice in his ear, pleading to do something about the people in his life. Evan really didn't do much with the invasive suggestions.

 

Still, he did think about them a lot, about his mom, and his half siblings, his peers, and Connor. 

 

So on that morning back to school, he grinned and wrote that letter and took that Sharpie. For his mom. And maybe it felt good to see her smile after all that, even though it was built on a lie. 

 

After all, maybe this really will be a good year. Maybe. 

 

… 

 

Almost immediately he was proven wrong within the first five minutes of arriving to school. Alana, peppy and tense and so full of energy, didn't even give Evan the time to throw in a word edgewise. She was one of the people who was mentioned, so he scrutinized her as she talked. Did she really care about Evan? Her fingers held an impressive grip on her backpack and her words were rushed and plentiful. She walked away before he could say anything meaningful. 

 

And Jared Kleinman shot down any hope of being actual friends with Evan, using his excuse that his mom put him up to it and making Evan feel somehow lesser than him for not having camp friends. Which was true, Evan thought bitterly. Jared's stupid jokes aside, Evan held onto hope that maybe later he would sign his cast. 

 

Jared was one of the people mentioned. It just didn't seem likely that he would actually care.

 

As if the universe didn't hate him enough, Jared looked past Evan and yelled, “Hey Connor! Loving the--”

 

Instead of letting him finish, across the hallway, Connor cut him off with, “Hansen! Can we talk?”

 

It was the first time Evan got a glimpse of the other boy since the summer. Connor looked…good. Whereas before his hair was often knotted and his face pale with purple circles around his eyes, he seemed healthier now. His long hair was brushed and silky looking. His face, still all angles and bones, was a warm color. His stance was controlled, upright, the posture Evan wished he'd had. It hurt to look at him too long. 

 

The pain his chest and in his ears was dull in the background as he thought that this was just another person who abandoned him.

 

Jared and Evan looked at each other as Connor made his way over. The former gave an incredulous look. The latter shrugged, not wanting to get into the story about Connor Murphy. He still didn’t know how to deal with that issue. Apparently, he had to deal with that issue sooner rather than later, he realized.

 

As Connor approached, Jared grabbed onto Evan’s good arm and said seriously, “Be careful.”

 

“Careful?”

 

Jared nodded. “You don’t know if he’s going to blackmail you or shoot up the school or something, so, you know.”

 

Any other time, Evan would have brushed off Jared’s comments because he would have been too nervous to say anything to one of the only people who spoke to him. But… quiet sobs at the bottom of the tree and the tight grip on his thighs burned in his mind.

 

“Don’t, don't be an asshole, Jared. He’s…” 

 

“I’m his friend, jerkoff,” Connor interrupted, closer now.

 

“Friend,” Jared said slowly. Some emotion flashed across Jared's face. “Right. Well. Whatever. Have fun, homos.”

 

Evan sputtered at that while Connor glared at Jared’s retreating form.

 

“You really gotta stop hanging out with that dick,” he said once Jared was gone.

 

“Yeah, uh, well, he-he talks to me so that I tell my mom to tell his mom--”

 

“Yeah, yeah, car insurance or whatever excuse. He’s an asshole who makes awful jokes at the expense of others. I don’t care if he’s your friend or not. It's annoying to hang around him.”

 

Evan furrowed his brow. “Can you stop doing that?”

 

“Stop what?”

 

“Stop filling in the blanks of my life like, like you actually know me. It’s a little… creepy.”

 

As the words settled into the air, it dawned on Evan what he said. To his surprise, Connor’s face was getting just as beet red as his own.

 

“I mean! Not that you do know me! Or maybe? I mean, there was the, that whole thing, and then you said all that stuff, and, f-forget I said anything--”

 

“Argh, crap. I’m sorry. I--” He then dragged his hand over his blushing face as he muttered to himself, “This shit is so hard.”

 

“Are, are you okay?” Evan asked instead of all the questions and accusations burning through his mind.

 

Connor was still rubbing at his face as he said, “No, but I’ll get through it. I always have to.” He stopped rubbing his face. “Are you? Okay, that is?”

 

Evan's cheeks flared up again at the question and under the intense gaze Connor gave him through his fingers. 

 

“Uh, I’m not sure.”

 

He nodded absently. 

 

“Fair. Yeah. All right. It’s just--Can we talk somewhere else? Somewhere where my sister isn’t obviously eavesdropping?”

 

He deliberately tilted his voice in the last word loudly. Evan swung his head around to see Zoe watching from behind one of the columns in the hallway. His head spun seeing her there, and his blush flared up once more. He wasn’t sure if it was because it was  _ Zoe Murphy _ who was watching him (them) or if it was because he was caught blushing under the gaze of Connor Murphy. He didn't want to think too deeply on it. 

 

Zoe walked up to them tentatively, throwing a brief wave at Evan, and eyes wide at Connor.

 

“Zoe, this is is Evan Hansen. Evan, Zoe. You know her already.” Connor rolled his eyes for some reason, and Evan couldn’t help but feel he was being made fun of somehow.

 

“Hi…” Zoe greeted, hesitantly. She looked at Connor and then at Evan. His brain short-circuited. “I’m Zoe.”

 

Evan looked at her extended hand and rubbed his own on his pants before shaking it. “Evan! That's me! Which you know. Because Connor just said it, but I thought I could repeat it again! Because it’s polite! Plus I don’t want you to forget it, not that that would matter--”

 

“Whoa, slow down there. Hi Evan. Nice to meet you.”

 

He gulped. “N-nice to meet you.”

 

Connor rolled his eyes again. “Look, Zo, I only introduced you guys so you could fuck off while we talk. Now that you met him, leave us alone.”

 

“You don't have to be a bitch about it. Can't I talk too?” she said, never leaving her eyes off of Evan, who was completely avoiding her gaze. Evan never felt so sweaty in his life. 

 

“You can talk to him during nutrition or something, right Evan?”

 

“R-right.”

 

“See? Now leave us alone.”

 

Now she scowled at that. “Still rude as ever. Bye--Connor. See you later, Evan.”

 

Evan didn’t say anything as she left, still overwhelmed by the conversation. This was shaping up to be the most bizarre first day ever. Connor immediately turned to Evan once his sister was out of their sights.

 

“We can talk about...all of that later on. When you’re ready to talk about Zoe to me. But I wanna talk about other things before we do.”

 

“Like how you knew I was jumping off the tree?”

 

“Yeah, like how I knew… Wait. You’re admitting that out loud?”

 

A dark cloud seemed to hang over Evan. He stared grimly down the floor before looking back up. “Well ob-obviously you knew already what was going on, so there’s no point in, in, I mean you knew so, I don't want to beat around the bush… you know, about the,” Evan swallowed, “the truth.”

 

Connor looked down on him with an indefinable expression. With his head leaning down, his hair was blocking the overheard light from Evan's eyes. Evan looked away anyway. 

 

“Sure...I mean. Thank you. Evan. For saying that. I’m, ah, I'm proud of you for telling me that.”

 

Evan was taken aback. He wasn’t expecting any words of praise, delivery aside. From all that he knew about Connor Murphy, he assumed that the other boy was a manic jerk who only cared about himself. And yet… 

 

Tears stung in the back of Evan’s eyes.

 

“Shit. Shit. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Though--I’m hoping those are happy tears because I don’t take back what I said, I just don’t mean to make you cry in a goddamn school hallway.”

 

The mention of their location made them both startle and glance around. It was then that they realized people were looking at them. Eyes were on  _ them _ because they were in a hallway at  _ school _ . Evan shrunk into himself, willing his tears to stop. Stop, stop, stop, as if it wasn't clear that he was the freak who cried on the first day of senior year. 

 

“Let's get out of here,” Connor said stiffly. 

 

“Class starts in ten minutes.” Evan’s murmur came out shaky. The idea of  _ ditching _ , or simply walking in late after crying in a hallway and everyone watching him come in and the teacher calling him out…too much. He closed in on himself, but managed a glance up to the other boy. 

 

Connor shot him a look that Evan couldn't decipher nor stare at too long, so Evan fixated his gaze on Connor's hands. Those hands then reached out to Evan, as if he were going to grab him and then thought better of it. His arms hovered awkwardly before falling to his side. 

 

“We'll be back before first period begins. I, uh, just don't want anyone to overhear.”

 

Evan couldn't feel his voice, so he nodded.

 

Wordlessly, Connor led him out. He was clearly uncomfortable with everyone's eyes on them since he glared ahead with a stiff grip on his bag. But he trudged on, ignoring them. Evan, on the other hand, anxiously glanced at everyone as they whispered to each other. He was sure they were all pointing out how the weirdo loner was desperately following the “school psycho,” as if anyone were more fucked up than he was. Evan forced himself to concentrate on the boy in front of him to prevent his breaths from getting more shallow. 

 

“Jesus, what a shit show,” Connor said as they finally reached fresh air and turned into an alcove. 

 

Evan wasn't sure what Connor was referring to. He assumed it was him. He took deep breaths and stared at Connor's hands. His nails were painted navy blue. 

 

Connor took a step closer to Evan and spoke quietly. 

 

“Look, I'm - sorry, for earlier. And… for this summer. It wasn't fair to you that I was all over you and still didn't talk to you at all for a month.” He sounded calm, practiced. He took in a deep breath, as if bracing for something. “It doesn't excuse it, but… I wasn't… am not, in the right place. I'm a screw up.”

 

Evan could understand that. He was barely keeping it together as it is. It was amazing that Connor could say all that anyway. He tried to ignore how his ears started ringing. 

 

“N-no, it's okay, you don't owe me anything--”

 

“Evan,” Connor growled, the sound both terrifying and hot ( _ hot? _ Evan thought idly). “You may feel like you deserve nothing, but believe me when I say that you're important. And that I want to be your… friend.”

 

The silence between them seemed a little heavy. Connor had said it earlier, but for some reason it was different now with the two of them alone in this hidden corner. 

 

“Why?”

 

That rueful smile was back. 

 

“I'll tell you, just… Not now. I'm not all that ready, and my head is still kinda a mush. Plus it's a long story. Really, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about freaking you out over the summer, and that I would like us to be friends.”

 

Evan didn't know what to say to Connor's repeated words. Truth be told, he wanted answers, like how Connor knew he was out there at the park or that all he wanted to hear from anyone was that they wanted to be friends with him. He wanted to know what was going on, but he also never was the type to rock the boat. Especially if Connor was being so nice to him. He stayed quiet and nodded, willing the ringing in his ears to go away. 

 

“You don't need to say anything yet, and you're definitely not obligated to say you'll be my friend,” Connor said in a tone that actually showed he clearly did not like that idea too much. “I'll be around. And Zoe will be around. If you want to get a hold of me. Or uh, find me online and message me. Whatever works.”

 

Evan swallowed the question to ask for his phone number to text him. The warning bell rang before he could even get a sound out. 

 

“That's my cue. Later, Hansen.”

 

Connor gave him a small smile before rushing inside without even a peek back at Evan. 

 

In class, Evan was on autopilot as he parsed every single word in the conversations he had with Connor (and unsuccessfully tried not to rewind the image of that little smile over and over again). It was just like the summer. All questions and no answers. All thoughts of confusing Connor. Yet… Evan found he didn't mind. He rather liked Connor, despite the whole thing being really fucking weird. 

 

Evan was so lost in his thoughts that when the teacher called out his name, he completely missed it and the others laughed. 

 

He decided not to think about that morning at all again that day. 

 

But then, as was his luck, later on, he was forced to think about it as Zoe cornered him. The shock of unexpectedly crashing with someone else warred with the visceral reaction to his impossible crush on her. His heart felt like it was going to pound its way out of his chest. 

 

“So, how did it go?”

 

“Oh! Z-Zoe! Go? Go? Wh-what do you mean?”

 

“The talk. With my brother? Your friend Connor?” Evan wasn't sure if she was making fun of him. Her tone reminded him of Connor's earlier, when he was introduced to Zoe. 

 

Evan's face heated up. 

 

“I'm, I'm not too sure myself because he was there, and I'm me, and I can't really, I don't really say anything, ever, so it was a little--I don't know. I'm not sure. But. Yes, he's my friend. I'm his friend.”

 

It felt strange saying that out loud, but Evan liked it. He blushed again. 

 

“He's being all weird,” she paused. “Weirder than normal I mean.”

 

She didn't seem to notice Evan's word spasm and started to space out, so Evan awkwardly shifted from one foot to the other without a word. 

 

“Anyway,” she said, shaking her head. “My brother seems really attached to you… even though he never said anything about you before a couple of weeks ago.”

 

His tongue felt heavy. At her admission, his heart was going a mile a minute. 

 

“I don't know how close you actually are, but…it feels like he's coming to himself.” She breathed in hard through her nostrils. “Make sure nothing happens to stop that. Please.”

 

How could Evan respond to that in any capacity? He wasn't even sure what he was doing with Connor. They were apparently friends as of that morning. 

 

“R-right.”

 

She considered him carefully. “Have my number, just in case. I have a feeling--um, just text me.”

 

“R-r-right,” he repeated.

 

They put their contact information in each other's phones. As she left him with a parting smile, Evan's stomach did a flip. It was just like Connor's smile. 

 

It wasn't even five minutes until he felt a buzz from his phone. It was probably his mom checking in on his day.

 

Surprisingly, it was his new contact already. 

 

_ Do u mind if I give my brother ur number?  _

 

_ This is Zoe btw _

 

For a moment, he agonized about how long was an appropriate amount time to wait before replying when she texted a third time. 

 

_ Hes antsy and says forget it. Passive aggress8939hrjlo99 _

 

Evan wasn't sure what exactly she was saying in her last text, but he quickly typed out his response. 

 

_ I don't mind. _

 

After sending it, Evan gripped his phone so hard as he sped walked to his next class in an effort to make time go faster, so that he could quickly get a message, get a text, from--his phone buzzed, and Evan immediately opened it again. He looked for a message from an unknown number, but he'd only received a new one from Zoe. 

 

_ Hes being weird again. Doesnt wanna text yet he says but wants to meet at the computer lab at lunch. Can u make it? _

 

Evan thought about his unwritten letter to himself for Dr. Sherman and having to face the cafeteria lunch crowd. He thought of this tentative, almost one-sided friendship which Evan still didn't know what to make of. He thought about the small smile thrown at him before class. 

 

He thought about confusing as hell Connor Murphy who found him at the bottom of a tree. 

 

_ Yeah. I'll be there. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which there is fluff but no answers


	3. In the Computer Lab

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a way too long dissection of the computer lab scene were it in my 'verse

At the beginning of lunch, Evan's mom called him, informing him she'd volunteered to take the shift of a sick coworker. She went on, talking about how he’ll be by himself for the afternoon and evening, and he felt that stirrings of  _ alone, alone, alone _ in the pit of his belly. 

 

(But that wasn’t true now, was it? He still wasn’t sure what to make of his morning with the Murphy siblings.)

 

Evan wanted to ask his mom why she had to be the one to pick up the slack - she had plans with him. He swallowed down some bile, the words caught under its coat.

 

When she did ask him if he'd written his letter for Dr. Sherman ( _ “You know, Dear Evan Hansen, it's going to be a good day, and here's why:” _ ), he confidently said yes and that he was at the computer lab to print it. Even though, technically, he was here to meet a friend, not print the letter. He definitely did  _ not _ tell her that part. She might start crying if he did. 

 

Instead she asked him, “Was it? A good day, honey?”

 

It was a surprise even to himself when he softly said, “Yeah...yeah. Today was a good day.”

 

He wasn’t sure where it came from, so he ended up lost in his thoughts as his mom enthusiastically ended their conversation with hopes about the year. He barely responded back, trying to think of exactly why he said today was a good day, and let his arm fall onto the table.

 

Evan looked down at his cast as he thought, _ when you're falling in a forest, and there's nobody around, do you ever really crash or even make a-- _

 

“So.”

 

Evan startled as he looked up at Connor, who had just come into the computer lab.

 

“What?” he asked surprised.

 

“So how’d you break your arm?”

 

The question left Evan confused, so all he could think to do for a moment was stare. And if Evan hadn’t just spent the entire morning trying to dissect Connor’s every move from memory, he probably wouldn’t have ever looked up at the other boy during this entire exchange. As it stood, he took in every movement, every twitch. 

 

Connor stood awkwardly over the table where Evan was sitting. He clutched at his bag, his knuckles as white as Alana’s had been in the morning. His tongue darted out to nervously lick his lips. Evan licked his lips in response, saliva heavy on his own tongue. Connor rocked forward, as if to sit with Evan but thought better of it, and swayed back.

 

Evan then realized he still did not answer Connor’s strange question. He swallowed and felt the sweat build up in his palms and his pits as he tried to work out an answer.

 

He said slowly, hesitantly, “But - you were there when I broke it?”

 

“ _ Jesus, _ fuck. Right - yeah, I was. I forgot.” Connor ran his palm over his face. “I meant to ask, how’s your arm?”

 

_ I forgot _ , he said. Connor had forgotten that he fell? How does that even happen? Evan wondered Connor  _ forgot  _ their conversation this morning too.

 

The air between them was still, and Evan couldn’t tell if it truly was so quiet that they could both hear that low ringing or if it was just in his head. The pit in his stomach felt heavier than before. He just shrugged, unable to say anything.

 

Connor, sensing the awkwardness, spoke again, “Um - no one’s signed your cast.”

 

“Ah, no.”

 

“Well I’ll sign it,” Connor said as he slid in a seat across from Evan at the table.

 

“Oh, you don’t have to,” Evan breathed out.

 

“You have a Sharpie?”

 

Evan awkwardly dug for it in his pocket and placed it on the top of the table. Connor pulled at the casted arm that was resting next to the marker (“Ow.” “Sorry,” said absently, softly), and wrote his name in big letters across the cast.

 

“Oh, great, thanks.” He stared down at the name, proof that someone wanted to talk to him, proof of Connor’s role in his fall. The pit still felt heavy in his stomach.

 

“Yeah, well, now you know we are friends.”

 

At that, Evan looked up at the boy across him. Connor wasn’t looking at him. He was staring down at his name on Evan’s cast with red, watery eyes. 

 

It was a different cry from the one in the forest, but more mesmerizing. Connor looked angry at the name written on the cast. Maybe he  _ didn’t _ want to sign it, or maybe he didn’t like how he wrote it. Maybe he was going through something. Maybe he didn’t like what the cast represented, like the thoughts that built up in Evan’s head in those late summer nights when he couldn’t will himself to sleep.

 

Evan was so confused. His head hurt with how loud the ringing was.

 

“Connor…” he started. “How did you know why I fell out of that tree?”

 

The ringing stopped. It was quiet around them.

 

“That’s none of your business.”

 

His skin felt hot, but not out of embarrassment for once. 

 

In fact, it absolutely was his business because it was  _ his _ life that Connor knew so much about. It was as if Connor had stalked him enough to know that he wanted a friend so badly and practiced each line to make him want him. 

 

He was itchy from how unsettled he was, but desperate for the attention that the Murphy showered him this morning. It was everything Evan wanted, but he couldn’t stop himself from doubting. Evan’s voice was surprisingly steady when he spoke.

 

“I didn’t ask you for any of this.”  _ So how do you know? _

 

His response clearly made Connor mad because the other boy abruptly stood up, pushing the chair back with a loud drag on the floor, and glared down at Evan. A thrill of fear shot through Evan, yet he still couldn’t look away. It was unfair that Connor still looked attractive with angry, blotchy skin and still too-wet eyes. 

 

Connor’s voice, like Evan’s, didn’t waver, but there was a hint of antagonism and betrayal. 

 

“You always did lie when things got too difficult. Have you ever thought that you don’t have friends because you end up pushing away those who try?” 

 

Evan physically retreated at Connor’s words and settled into the familiar state of self-loathing. He finally looked away from the blue (brown? what?) eyes and down to his fidgety hands. Connor was right; now he felt guilty for driving away the one person who saw Evan and tried to be his friend.

 

Connor was still standing, Evan could sense, and he felt increasingly awkward under his gaze. It was like all of this morning, where he couldn’t piece together what was going on, feeling like he was being stared at a little  _ too much _ , but at the same time reveling because someone noticed, someone  _ noticed  _ him. And if he had to drive away the person who noticed him, to make him remember him, then so be it.

 

However, Connor did not walk away. He walked to the other side of the table, where Evan sat, and stood over him. Evan recoiled further under Connor’s shadow, afraid of what the other boy was going to do. 

 

“...I’m sorry,” Connor’s voice was gravelly. “I  _ really  _ shouldn’t have said that.”

 

His voice was still rough, but its tone was laced with guilt. Connor then sat in the seat next to Evan. So close to each other, Evan could see Connor clenching his fists. In the back of his mind, he noted the contrast of their hands: the fidgeting and the clenching.

 

“You’re--” Connor paused. “I, I feel like I  _ know _ you, even though you probably don’t know anything about me. And that seems super weird, I know. Don’t get me wrong - I want to answer you, but, like.” 

 

Connor made a frustrated noise and paused, but continued. “It’s hard to explain. I already told you I’m going through some shit, not like that’s an excuse, but you should know that it’s pretty weird. You don’t have to worry or anything. If you’re thinking I’m being creepy. Or dangerous. I’m - really - not dangerous! Fuck, that sounded a lot worse than I wanted it to come out. Just… trust me? You just… might not believe me. I’ll tell you, eventually. And besides, like I said… we don’t have to be friends if you don’t want.”

 

Evan nodded. It wasn’t an explanation, but it was a promise that he’d get one. And, really, he’d long decided that he wanted to be Connor’s friend - since that moment in the woods, really; now there was the added caveat that he wouldn’t get answers that day. It still made his stomach hurt with anxiety, but he would let it go for now. 

 

He decided to change the subject.

 

“Why did you want to meet in the computer lab?”

 

Connor looked a little surprised at Evan's question. “You don't need to do anything here?”

 

Evan was confused by Connor’s response. He had his letter to print, sure, but he was pretty much done with it since his conversation with his mom in the morning. He could print it after school after all. Plus he was more invested in whatever was going on here than some stupid letter to himself. 

 

“Not really.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“So why here?” Evan pressed. 

 

He didn’t know how someone could look both quizzical and displeased at a simple question. 

 

“I guess I just always come here on the first day of school,” Connor said softly. A small crease appeared between his eyebrows as he glanced down again at Evan’s cast.

 

Evan also glanced down at his cast and nodded a little. He had spaces that he defaulted to too. “I-I get that. It’s hard to get through school without knowing where to retreat. It’s like - where can you escape without looking like you’re trying to escape? I usually do the library, but the computer lab is a good choice since you can look like you’re working on the computers. I, ah, approve of your choice.”

 

He gestured as he spoke, and embarrassingly, almost smacked Connor on the shoulder. The other boy laughed good-naturedly in response. A blush bloomed across Evan’s cheeks at the look that Connor gave him, one that could almost be described as fond. He still didn’t know how to act under these mood swings and needed to distract himself.

 

“I mean - I guess if we’re here at the lab I might as well print something I’ve been meaning to.”

 

“I thought you said you didn’t have anything to do?”

 

“Well. I, uh, already typed up what I needed to do, so I just need to… print it.”

 

“That’s new.”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean - that’s - good - of you. To do your work ahead of time. What do you need to print? Homework?”

 

Evan gave a wry smile at that. “Sort of. It’s for my,” he paused, weighing the word on his tongue, “therapist.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Evan didn’t exactly know why he was revealing a little bit about his anxiety to Connor. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he knew so much already. Most students would consider him a freak - even more of a freak - for needing to go to therapy, but with Connor, it just seemed that he already knew how much of a freak Evan was. Plus, with the look that Connor was giving him, it seemed he didn’t mind that he was a freak.

 

Evan rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah, yeah…”

 

“I started going to the shrink too recently. Properly this time.”

 

“What do you, um, mean ‘properly’?”

 

Connor chuckled without humor. “It means that I actually got my delusional parents to finally get me some actual help instead of retreats and kombucha and a stern talking to by the police.”

 

“I don't know,” Evan said hesitantly, and fading off, “r-retreats sound fun.”

 

“Sure, if you don't have ODD on top of your bipolar disorder to fuck up the kumbaya vibes.”

 

Evan looked at him, “You have ODD? Bipolar disorder?”

 

Connor shrugged. “Today's a good day for it.”

 

“No, no, I believe you, I just…”

 

_ Is that why you don't want to tell me anything? _ Evan thought.  _ Is that why you’re giving me a headache with all these mood swings?  _ Maybe whatever Connor was going through had to do with whatever was going on mentally. Not that Evan could judge. He himself was messed up in so many different ways. He shrugged instead of finishing his answer. 

 

“Anyway,” Connor said, clearly uncomfortable about the subject. “You can print your therapist thing if you need to.”

 

Evan nodded and got up to the computer. He could feel Connor’s eyes following him the entire time he printed off the computer and got the letter. When he got back, Connor was eyeing his name on the cast again. His gaze didn’t lift from it as he spoke.

 

“What sort of homework do you need to do for your therapist?”

 

“It’s a letter. But not like to my therapist, but he checks on them, which is why it’s kinda like homework, you know? Really he’s just checking if I completed them, but it has to be all positive and start off the same every time - Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, with those kinds of affirmations that are really--sort of pointless?” 

 

“A letter of affirmations…” Connor said slowly.

 

Evan truthfully continued, “Yeah. I’m not sure where people get this idea where if you talk to yourself in the mirror or write some message out that you’re good at something, you’ll actually be good at it. I mean, those people have to practice a ton to get better at something, right? And I can’t even get through a conversation without screwing up somehow.”

 

“I think you talk just fine.”

 

Evan gave him a troubled look, not trusting his voice. He already was talking so much. He already was so sweaty from this conversation alone.

 

“If you--If you haven’t noticed, I have trouble,”  _ understatement _ , his mind screamed, “speaking, out loud. To people.”

 

“We don’t have to, you know. Talk out loud.”

 

Evan shook his head. “I don’t mind,” he half-lied. He didn’t really mind talking to Connor, but it did take a lot of energy out of him.

 

“Come on. If you don’t like talking, you have to prefer something else. Text? We can do that. Zoe gave me your number, but I deleted it because I wasn’t sure if you wanted that. I might have been pushy this morning.”

 

“I don’t mind that,” Evan repeated, this time wholly truthfully. “Texting, or… this morning.”

 

“Or I mean - if it helps your shitty therapy letters, you can pretend you're writing to me, and just send me letters, or emails.”

 

“To you?”

 

“Yeah, you know, rather than saying ‘dear Evan Hansen,’ you can start off ‘dear Connor Murphy’ and talk me out of doing drugs or some shit. ”

 

“Do you?”

 

“Do I what?”

 

“Do drugs?”

 

For a horrible moment, it looked like Connor was going to laugh at him or throttle him. But he sighed and instead said, “I mean. I smoke weed, sure - that's really nothing - but I stopped the other stuff, the stuff that’ll scare you. I guess I just haven't felt the need to.”

 

Again, he looked down at Evan’s cast with a wrinkle in his brow. Evan didn't want to interrupt his thinking, but he knew what it was like to get lost in your head. Plus, something in him wanted to smooth that wrinkle out. So he put his good hand on Connor's and squeezed, hoping it'd at least show Connor he wasn't alone. 

 

The answering look from Connor made his heart squeeze. 

 

The bell had rung then, signaling the end of lunch. He pulled his hand back before they parted ways quietly. Evan did not feel exactly one step closer to solving the mystery of Connor Murphy, but he did feel like they made progress. 

 

This whole day with Connor wasn't exactly what he expected. For so long, he was desperate for some sort of friendship that he had it envisioned it to go a certain way. He got, instead, multiple confusing interactions that he might be thinking too deeply about but absolutely did not regret.

 

It was like Connor knew exactly what Evan needed on his first day of school, so that he felt simultaneously cared for and distracted enough to not stress out about classes. The rest of the classes were as he expected, yet… He left the school day in a mood that could almost be described as… looking forward to the next. He hadn’t felt this way since elementary school, probably.

 

As he waited for the bus next to the school, he could see the Murphy siblings getting into their car. From across the parking lot, Zoe threw a wave at Evan, and Connor put his hand up in acknowledgement. Evan awkwardly gave them a thumbs up in return. Connor smiled at it.

 

Evan felt warm.

 

He felt warm all throughout the rest of the day that Dr. Sherman even made a comment about his attitude during their session, and his mom even noticed when she came home late that night. As he sat on his bed with his computer in front of him, his mom asked him about his first day, about Dr. Sherman, about whether he made friends.

 

To that, he said, “I think so.”

 

“See, told you this was your year!” 

 

He faltered a little at her cheer, but didn’t want to bring down her good mood. His mom’s well intentions reminded him that today could have been a fluke. He recalled Connor’s harsh words - did he really push away people? He always figured he was just unnoticed, but something niggled at the memory of Alana's too tight grip and Jared's conversations. The warmth from the day cooled down in him as he thought of retreating under Connor’s form.

 

Just as this bad feeling was about to settle in him again, his phone buzzed with a notification.

 

He got a text from an unknown number.

 

_ Good night evan _

 

He looked down at his phone, then his laptop, then his phone again, and back at his laptop, and began typing.

 

_ Dear Connor Murphy…  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) So… I know this is incredibly late, but that was due to a number of factors that will take way too long to explain. Luckily, I’m still projected to finish by the end of my winter break, so expect about two chapters next week.
> 
> 2) I’m actually a big fan of affirmations. Speaking of which, having to write out Evan’s criticisms about them made realize how hard it was to write this chapter because Evan is kinda defensive, and Connor’s stuff is coming out. ALSO, PSA, while I do have anxiety, and I do work with people with Connor related mental illness, I absolutely cannot vouch that this will be accurate to the experiences of one with such illness because I neither live that life nor have interviewed/brought in enough research to this to make it true to form. So, when something like ODD comes into play, please know that it’s based on my work experiences and/or research done online.
> 
> 3) Because I had trouble with this chapter, I ended up skipping writing chapter 3, writing chapter 5 instead, coming back to this chapter, and subsequently spending way too long on details here. So now, the chapter became so freaking long that I had to split it up. Take note of the chapter change. As a result, the chapter might have felt like a lotta filler, but I felt like this transition chapter was important to set the tone for their relationship moving forward.


End file.
